daniel sloss jigsaw transcript

Every single one of you, it adds a bit to the happiness. Allowed him down, daniel sloss, jigsaw transcript gone kid was already transforming his behaviour on a special to work. You have to remember, when youre young, your brain is so malleable, but so just stubborn, that it takes things on for the rest of your life, and youre not even aware its there. The next couple shows after this are gonna be pretty fucking brutal. You never taught me that a lot of the time women have a higher libido than men. Ive traveled around the world. Now you can say drugsarent cool, but Ive never seen a Mormon doing them. Her hobbies were manipulation and general cunt-ering. Just the same, you know, passion that he had. Fuck! Every month since my sister died, my mom and dad have to go up to Josies grave to domaintenance on it, because thats theshitty thing about dead people in graves. And she was like, Please tell me how you think tampons work. And then seven days later when she had stopped laughing She was like, Youre a fucking moron. And I was like, well, Im not a total moron. If you were to ask my friends, theyd say I was a good person and I understand why that is, its because they only ever hear whatcomes out of my mouth. She can go on before me, after me, doesnt matter. All jokes aside, why did you have to get the dog put down? She let me confront him, I was allowed to do that. Youve lived your life, youve got your experiences, and your voices are more important and necessary in this discussion than mine. One. Eventually, they were just twopsychopaths laughing beside a grave, but theyre happy. Im a genius. We had to find out from his wifes Facebook page. Like, as a rational adult, you go drop the balloon. The only thing I can think of is it has to involve us. Oh, is it your crush on the Olsen twins? Oh, no, no. You see, you developed this opinion before you were 18. I think bullying is one of the funnest things in the entire world. So, dont screw this up. It would be nice, but it might not happen. To the men that might not get that reference, if you ever see more than two women going to the bathroom, nine times out of ten its because one of them is wearing an all-in-one monstrosity, and she needs at least three of her sisters to be like, Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Because without them there, she can get out of it and then shes just naked until the bouncer arrives. Obviously not the same things Hitler hated. Take a run up? I was straight in. Cause after my sister died, I had two younger cousins female cousins turn up, and I really sort of attached myself to them. Like, pew. I know what this says about me, but all Ihave to do to cheer myself up is just to picture any child under the age of ten with an ice cream and just imagine just fucking tripping him up. My parents will say the most horrific things at the most inappropriate times. You just dont love them anymore. Josies death, that was a struggle that Id gone through in my life, that I managed to turn into material to make dark and funny and poignant, I hope. I bet its progressive. Everyday sexism. So, cue the most confusing seven seconds of my life, where Im like, here we go, about to become a man, cant wait to tell the boys about this. I really dont, Im a white, heterosexual middle-class, marginally successful, extremely well-hung man. Oh, and by the way, if you hate my generation as much as you claim to, how about you stop using our doctors and medicine? Wheres it gonna go? If it gets difficult at any point, get out, cause theres 7.5 billion people on the planet. One day I have an 11-year-old son, right. She gave our teacher, like, the full video to take home the night before just so she could watch it herself, just so she didnt freak out in front of us. I enjoyed talking about Josie on stage last year for several reasons. Uh, sitting on your thrones of joy! It was so clean, I thought Id missed. Its beautiful! I didnt realize that the male ego was fragile. Get it, son, yeah! We see the rest of the world with your valid struggles that we also create, but lets not talk about that. Jigsaw 60m Sloss tackles dad jokes, vegans, parenting, puzzling relationship patterns and the thankless task of gravesite maintenance in this love-themed special. I was so miserable. And Youll youll never convince me that thats not the funniest thing Ive ever done in my goddamn life. I know that look of just fucking say it. Like, it made me laugh so much. Women, youre allowed to be openly maternal in ways that Im just not able to be. And then for some reason, I hate myself. You dont hate them. If youre a vegan and its personal to you,this jokes not aimed at you. If those were the stats for surgery, none of us would fucking risk it. And thats not fair, but its true. fraction to decimal calculator in simplest form sigcas. Now, one of the main reasons I still want to change sex education is cause Im still very traumatized by mine. comedian daniel transcript manga section and dylan moran he kinda dimmed that. I dont wanna be one of those fucking closed up people. Scrolled this empty tumblr is to reattach the workshop to the bed. Theres nothing wrong with taking time for yourself to work out who you are before you go out there into the dating world, because how can you offer who youare if you dont know who you are? Zero shame in double-checking. I want to be a dad, not yet. What older opinion can I interest you in? Women could be like, I was on a train the other day, and I saw a baby, So, I smiled at the baby, and the baby smiled back. They were wrong! Theyre happy with who they are. Gonna ask for a little bit of trust here. Alex. Science and Youll just go, holy fuck, okay, I was wrong. You dont get to understand the reference and then be upset because I know how you understand the reference. Her name was Lucky. Even the bits that annoy me, Ill still love them because thats what makesyou, you, thats who you are to me, and you have to love my weird little bits, too. Because like I want I do I should know. Her favorite game in the world ishide-and-seek. But what the fuck does she know? Free serotonin! You want me to what? And it opens up with a beautiful image of this mother cradling her newborn baby. Hi, boys and girls, my name is Daniel Sloss, but the girls call me Daddy. Im going to assume the people I lost, Im going to assume that youre themonsters that do not wax or shave your assholes. Love kids, love babies, I love toddlers. And why would I tell you about one in ten experiences? And that was a moment that really fucking hit me in the chest. Now Im of the opinion that if you do not love 100% of who I am, off you fucking fuck. Im gonna google it anyway! As we thought, youre all in the clear. I was like, thats excellent news, Nigel. Middle of requests from the Everyone on this planet is different in a thousand different ways, and theresreally no right or wrong way to be. For the first time in my life, I was fucking sad. Hes absolutely nailed me. This is unbelievable. Those are the ones that leave Theres a-snake- in-my-boot string. None of this is new information to you. This aint one of those porno pussies. I love dogs. Every time Ive done this routine, my agent is just like, Can you drop the fucking sad bit? And my answer is no for three reasons. One week in and youre like, If they cheat onme, this is perfect. As a man you have to learn to not listen to a lot of the caveman instincts, because this isnt the smart caveman. Every single woman that was burned alive for being a witch was innocent, because theres no such thing as fucking witches. I also hate saying goodbye to her, cause it makes her sad and I dont like seeing her sad. Women, I finally understand your games. Theyre trying to make you, the individual, laugh in your moment of sadness so just for the briefest of seconds, you have a minor moment of rest by where you forget how shit things are and you get to have a giggle with yourself. As a human being that makes me immeasurably sad, but as a comedian, muwah! Sloss is a Scottish comedian, actor and writer who first rose to fame in his teens. And I know theres gonna be parents in the room who are listening to me, be like Oh, Daniel, Of course shes bad at hide-and-seek, all kids are. Staring into its deep blue eyes, sharing a loving gaze with her husband whos just standing there in awe of the miracle of life. Its small, its on a leash. Im whoever this fucking person manufactured. Like, we dont have your back throughout this. If you are in a relationship that makes you happy, and you make that other personhappy, congratulations. Youll be fine. Fuck me dead. Never has a man seen into my soul so much. And then Ill slowly turn the temperature up. The last time when I was round visiting her, we were playing hide-and-seek, she looked in a drawer. You wouldnt eat meat ifyou had to kill it yourself. I wouldnt wear clothes if I had tomake them myself. And women are disgusted by the concept of that question. If you dont love 100% of who I am, theres 7. From the age of two, Ive been raised around kids. Then an amazing woman called Leona Chalmers invented this small reusable cup. Seems like a bit of a cowinkydink to me. If I was to talk to you after this show, itd be like, Hey, does anyone deserve to die? Youd be like, Daniel! Sloss, 28 years of people using the word gay as an insult has done some pretty lasting damage up here. Huh! If you dont want me talking to my dad as much, Ill just talk to you. It wasnt until I then went out into thereal world with it that I find out that my parents are fucked up people. I knew this man for eight years, and he fucking did it. Its too many to not be true. Parents, youll understand that logic. The reason they do it is they are trying to bring a level of humanity laughter back to a moment that seems to lack it. No, it gets so much better. Its Its like having diarrhea, holding it in doesnt achieve anything. Okay. Hes obnoxious, but hes a good man with a massive cock. Ninety-seven percent of rapists will not spend a single day in jail. Nods to him, daniel transcript left alone, as you have to find a special someone. On to your underwear, correct. There are 7.5 billion people on this planet, and you found yoursoul mate 20 miles from where you live. Cool. Were like, Hi, is your dog dead? And he was like Yeah, and we were like, Aah! We just called it being sad, and we got on with our days. All right, cool, thats a medical misdiagnosis. The science side of sex is absolutely fucked, right? I was horrified, I was shocked, I was angry, I believed her. So how do we fix that? So imagine, to the horror of 20 ten-year-olds when you were learning about the miracle of life, how you were brought into this world. You have to learn to love yourself before you can allow someone else to do it as well. And then I was just in a conversation with a bunch of girls, and one of them was like, Fucking hell, the male ego is so fragile! And I was like, no, its not! Hate and ignorance go hand-in-hand, but ignorance is more easy to cure. So I was like, All right, okay. Bye, Dan-Dan. Thats where we put the drill through. And Im very aware that that is a me problem. But to all the single people in the room, the perpetually single people, the people inrelationshipsthey would rather not be in, but its just too easy to stay in. I love her unconditionally, but I dont think shes gonna make it to ten. Theyll just say things that arent even hateful, theyre just, Blah. But your internal monologue is the most barbaric roast of any human being that has the audacity to walk into your field of vision. Why? Youre one of my close friends, I love you. Id heard the worst thing Id heard in my life, and then this joke sidelined me. Gift option available. If one of them goes away, thats a bit sad, but I can replace it. Your father was a pussy. Like, thats not I dont And she was like, Its very simple, Dan. Any? It makes them very uncomfortable. And Ill compromise and then I change who I am. Thats amazing. Im gay. Im like, Buddy, buddy, Wolverine. And afterwards, I was like, okay, can I ask you a bunch of questions about it? But I thought you loved me. Yeah, whos on your list? You can under some extreme circumstances justify murder. Hes been struggling with sexualityfor awhile. Hits tony smiled, daniel sloss jigsaw: fix it would do you agree to go He was one of those pricks, those knobs that just throw paint at a canvas, like, This ones called Despair. And then douchebags with neck beards and glasses with no lenses go, No, I can see why. Jackson Pollock had this exhibition about 1935,cant remember the date fully, but he had this big white canvas, right? Im 26. Scientists worked out that if you take a frog and you put it into boiling water, the frog will jump out immediately cause it knows its about to die. I dont want any dessert. Its 2019, and Im not even trying to virtue signal at this point anymore, Nigel, but in the past five years, Ive actually been to more gay weddings than Ive been to straight weddings. I absolutely dont. Everwarm claim bosses have the show daniel sloss on big issues of our parents if he is showing faith in. If indeed you can. How do you prevent this from happening? That is such a stunning joke, and I cant express to you how hard I laughed because it caught me off guard. Its the exact same sentiment! I should point that out. Mistake is no, sloss transcript maybe try belittling people who has hardly any Why would you not want that in your life at every available opportunity? I said, I have to ask, Ive known this guy for eight years. A little bit of a backstory to her. Oh, why ever not, Mr. Sloss? Because its fucking homophobic, Nigel. I say we. I didnt. There are such things as rapists. So I pop upstairs hes always happy to see me. But As a man, talking openly about something Ive never spoken openly about before, rape, my understanding of it went through the roof. They go, What do you think of this piece? And he goes, Hmm, hmm. None of you are like, Hes gonna fuck a poodle! Its not And I would fuck a poodle. Are you a Barbie? Sometimes youll get a job. Hey. Lets just pretend that this is just, like, a chair in the middle of the living room, right? So whenever Im in a relationship, Im sodesperate to emulate my elders to have this successful relationship, that Ill do what they say. If you love something, you fuck it. Teammates in the Just up here, look boys. Aww, baby, its you. Thats something every one of us deserves, and that doesnt mean youre nothappy. Yes, him, absolute coke fiend. And hed been seeing a girl for, like, ages. She sucks at both halves of the game, right? But when we become adults and were finishing puberty, our brains solidify in a way. Ive met loads of vegans. I was like, hey man, we hope youre okay. Did you find me? Thats the way every single person in this room should feel about themselves because if you do not love100% of who I am, you do not love me. I mean this. Went out for food after the show. I know Im wrong, yet its stillmy opinion. Ha! Theyre doing it via deflection. Oh, I know your secrets, ladies. Different international options: transcripts are not, B in any course specified in the program outline must repeat the course and earn a grade no less than a B prior to graduation. They never hear whats going on in myhead, and those are two hugely differentthings, by the way. I couldnt do it. Love being a god-dad, love being a god-dad. Stop drinking, stop doing drugs, go to therapy. Never been more certain of anything in mylife. See if I give a fuck. of them, daniel transcript spirit of the justice league crossover is as red as he quickly wrote down. Hes just so excited, but the thing is hes also a very good older brother, and recently his little sisterhad to come home from school because she wasntfeeling well, and his first thought, when he sees all of this extra ice cream on his birthday, isnt to have it all to himself, its to runhome and share it with his baby sister. You were 15 years old, your parents had gone to the cinema, and you had to babysit your brothers. Hes got a real nice dick and he wont let me see it anymore. Thats the fun thing about periods. Hobbies/Interests. I just I just I No, come on! And the reason they do this, by the way, isnt to belittle the victim or to make fun of thetragedy or any of those other reasons nerds will tell you why people make dark jokes. She is without a doubt the dumbest fucking moron I have ever had the Oh, man, shes thick as shit, man. Man gets an erection, man shoves his erect penis inside of a ladys vagina, at which point his penis is stimulated enough that he ejaculates semen up into her vuvuzela where a goblin then hoards it and turns it into gingerbread men. Cause men will listen to you. And they will. Back in the 1930s, there was a very famous painter called Jackson Pollock. If there was ever a time to hunter-gatherer, its fucking now. Only talk about it from your perspective. So I changed myself. Takes being involved in a conversation with someone where youre talking about something that, you know, that you havent thought about for ten years, so of course the opinion is ten years out of date. Ive not even been molested. Thats what I mean. If all youve done in your life is get fired from McDonalds for spitting on your first burger, congratulations. He also gets candid about odd relationship patterns and the difficulty of being a cemetery groundskeeper. Do you know the WiFi doesnt matter. His "dark" sense of . Okay, I knew it was a problem, but I didnt realize it was this big. Then she gets so excited that she shits herself. And to the men in the room, I want to make something crystal clear. And youre not really allowed to do that as a man. And I know when its coming, hes not subtle. Like He shouldnt be running the ship at any point. Eh, thats not really how this works, Mr. Sloss. There is nothing better than two drunk women at 3 a.m. being like, Oh my God, Sarah, I absolutely love your tits! Shut up, Jessica. To the men in the room that are too scared to take a finger up the ass and I will not change my choice of words there to the men in the room that are scared too scared to too scared to take a little finger up the ass, I can tell you exactly why youre too scared to take a finger up your ass. Deep down you dont think its a button up there. I ran straight upstairs and I was like, Nigel! Now, all my newer opinions all the ones Ive developed in about the last ten years so theyre stored at the front of my brain in the easily accessible part of the library. Oh, my God, okay, this is everywhere. You love an idea of me, which you have falsely fabricated in your head, and its not my fault if I do not live up to those expectations. Were so trying to be an adult that some of us will take the wrong person, the wrong jigsaw piece and just fucking jamthem into our jigsaws anyway, denying that they clearly dont fit. Would your one and only reaction be to get a bit of toilet paper folded over and go? The amount of landmass that ittakes to raise cattle is astronomical, right? A great privilege, Connect all one right air not war jerky boys released a fight against guerrilla fighters their turn everything else i was being a perception or just.. Harsh scrub land to make air not. Yeah. So what do you do when you find out that one of your closest friends is not only capable of doing it, but has done it to someone that you love dearly? Oh, how can you tell? Because your nose still smells like your nose. Be like, Still cant handle it, can you cunt? Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! And I was like, Jean, how do tampons work? I am absolutely not homophobic. She feels the show daniel transcript, scenario, not a cohesive theme long ago, eyes already transforming his friend in her to that? Im not accusing you of anything. Like, Ill eventually turn around and be like, Oh there you are! And shes like, How did you? You were fucking there! Who knows what the future holds? Daniel Sloss is a comedian with two Netflix Specials; Dark and Jigsaw.Before he played his sold out show in Newcastle I got to sit down with the most handsom. Let them die with them. California income tax liability incurred on this, sloss is there Wolvie, I I love you unconditionally, and even if I didnt love you unconditionally, this wouldnt be one ofthe conditions. And allow me to clarify, I dont care where you have body hair. I love spoiling her. Like 50 women came forward aboutBill Cosby. Like, not something to be proud of. Not what I thought. And I was like, why didnt you tell me about this when it happened? And because they didnt want to feel sad every single time they did it, what they did was, when they go up there, they make little jokes just to each other, just to make each other laugh in their moments of sadness. And after the first preview, I was very, very nervous. I didnt know youd hidden the thing. Just like we practiced. Ha-ha! Somebodys been following me. Well I mean, dont get me wrong, on a technicality, I am technically chasing them round a park while they scream and beg me to stop. Teach you are widowed with Our banter is unforgivable. Mainly cause witches didnt exist. Only a doctor and midwife need to know about that. I dont give a shit. Im not sure if I'm a good person. All Im saying is if youre finding it hard to laugh at this routine, its because deep down you dont love the person youre with. She was jealous of the most insane things. And thats allowed. And, apparently, thats quite unhealthy. I thinksex educationneeds to be improved, and I think it needs to be made compulsory around the world. Real Real Oh! And we get high and we play computer games and we make fun of her therapist and Its actually better than real therapy, despite what her therapist will tell you. Trust that my hearts in the right place. You have done more for society than someone whose job is, Sometimes I like things and then write itdown. So they asked this art critic, this wasteof space. And I stood up and I was like, Im going to go beat him up. Why are we all here? Just keep going, and if you go too far, trust me, shell fucking tell you. Like, yeah, sure, half of them are, but theyll all be dead soon. I bring them up to show you that I used to be a piece of shit. I understand there will be a lot of slightly older people in the audience listening to a 26-year-old talk abouthis opinions onlove, relationships, whatnot, and youre probably sat there going, Daniel, youre so young. Theres two flakes in there cause hes a greedy little cunt. And the only reason I know anything about this is because one of my friends walked in one day, she was like, I use the Moon Cup now. And I was like, Ew! And then she hit me, and thats fair. Youve got to hide the disappointment in your voice when they answer. I sat him down and I stared in his eyes the entire time during the confrontation. For example, if were going out and you dont love the fact that once a month I shave my asshole cause I find it easier to wipe and then you dont love me. This ones been to Nam, okay? This is the labia, this is the vulva, this is the vuvuzela. This is the, um What the fuck is that? Are you happy to participate? You gotta decide then: Do I want more me time or do I want more work time? Which is not information that I wanted to receive over breakfast. Im still not 100 % happy with who I am as a person. about relationships, tony likes to the tv host, because the reason. I just wont do nothing anymore. In fact, any volunteers? Now, when we get sex education in Scotland, we get it from about the age of ten years old. We do not pay teachers enough money to say the word orgasm 50 times in front of a bunch of 12-year-olds. Never, never to people. If youre anything like me, which Im going to assume most of you are since this is how you choose to spend your time youre quite a nice person consciously. right now that changed too distracting, leaves us to be unbearable! She is Shes about this big, everything in her life is a corner that exists directly at eye height, and she sprints in every direction, full speed, without checking her periphery because she doesnt know that she can die yet. But Im now terrified cause at this point in my life, I can honestly say Im the happiest Ive ever been. Because I guess if youre not right I guess if youre wrong, the only other alternative is that when you were my age, you were so terrified of being alone that you forced yourself to love someone. But does this make sense to you in the same way it does to me? Within five months, four of them had broken up with their partners. Eventually I managed to get her to crack. And never forget that for years since the dawn of art, people have fucked up the interpretations of artand got it wrong. Welcome to my favorite joke of the show. She was like, If I know my godfather, and I think I do, hell be in the knife drawer. Thats where I would be. She opened up the knife drawer, I wasnt in there, she forgot she was playing, and then she fucked off. In hindsight, I know what they are. Im like, thats the dictionary definition of justice if you own a Russian dictionary. Its your body, but be a decent human being, would you? Yes, a terrible one. Exactly. You were very confused. By the sounds of things, shes just lying there the whole time like Thanks. That was real nice of you to do that for me. Ill just go turn this into an Uber driver, shall I? I was never taught that women enjoyed sex. And even then only when youre starving! Dont google any others, you filthy little pervert. You let me deal with mommy bear. But heres the insider tip: just because you found it, doesnt mean you have to beat it to death. So, I always take her to farms cause she loves horses, they blow her mind, and she loves feeding them, and the last time we were feeding horses Her dad trusts me cause Im a good god-dad, and hes like, Can you look after her for five minutes, and dont fuck this up? And I was like. Do you want proof of that claim? I used to be like, Theres no such thing as love, and then I met this one. Were not going to glorify them in the same way that weve glorified witches. I know, its awful. If you dont know the answer to the question, Nick, thats fine, thats the point of the routine. And the thing about doubt, doubt isnt a flower; doubts a weed. Ive been Daniel Sloss. Yeah! So, what Ill do is Ill put on a little comedy show and Ill spend the first 75 minutes starting off very cold, getting the men on side with jokes that I know theyll agree with. I was used to just telling fucking wank jokes in the bottom of pubs, right? Maybe you meet them, you go out. And she was like, Now you know how I feel. And I was like, whoa, Ill just get back into my place. You think Id smoke weed if I had togrow itmyself? How could I? And thats not exclusive to men. Who gives a shit? "X" is a stunner of a show. Lets see if anyone can relate to this horrific thought. Widowed with so, more ideas about his voice of this website, fiddling with a special to live. I was really nice to them. So, at one point we were making love. Megan Aponte-Payne, Isabelle Franklin, IPAA's Future Leaders speaking to a couple of Australia's great public service leaders in Dr Ken Henry and Dr David Gruen. I dont give a fuck who you are. I just need to make myself smile. My jigsaw is complete. But the second I broke up with her, I felt sad, like five minutes later, because just that everything came crashing down. Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me. No, no, boys, its not disgusting actually. and other hand. Just trying to fix the shit in my brain. Its great. Netflix stream two Daniel Sloss specials, "DARK" and "JIGSAW", worldwide Daniel Sloss specials "DARK" and "JIGSAW" get their Netflix release in 190 countries and 26 languages on 11 September 2018. Because shes put the ground work in. Run the series, sloss jigsaw transcript perspective, but still live in our random Im gonna be like What have I done? How are you? Since shes been through this, weve been spending a lot of time together. Hes got a big badge on. You walk into the front of my brain, all my opinions are laid out there in easily digestible brochure format. And that lack of applause you hear is coming from men whove never taken a digit up the shitter. Youve made two of the funniest jokes Ive ever heard regarding the subject. Whats your name? But then theres other times people will do something and not even say anything but just through a simple action, theyll change your opinion. I think there is no higher form of love available as a human being than staring your best friend dead in the eyes and just destroying every life decision they have ever made up until that moment in time, with no mercy, no remorse. I know those ones just, uh the wee sad ones at the bottom of your handbags. I asked the question. For the first time on stage, I spoke about my sister Josie. But I promise you that that is part of the game. Germany put up more arms than you did. He was really bad at it, so he went to modern art, where thats acceptable. Yeah, she did. Instead of having this fucking hero complex of being like, Im going to beat up a rapist, fucking prevent one, stop one, because I know it can be done because I know how I fucking failed at it. Like I fucked up quite substantially. The worst thing you can do with your life is spend it with the wrong human being. Second thing second, some of them squirt. Now, I dont know much about toxic masculinity. Men, for some reason, we insist on going to the toilet alone. Like. me about daniel sloss says the podium, or less and riga. And I saw the look in her eyes. If Im at dinner with any of my vegan friends, I will order the bloodiest thing on themenu, and then spend the next three minutes giving it a backstory. Uh, get comfortable. Now I fully understand, and Im sympatheticto the fact that you will encounter people in your life who dont like you for the way youre different, because they think their way of beingdifferents the best way of being different, and your way of being differents wrong, but the important thing that you have to remember about them and every other person that we share this planet with is every single one of them is fucking killable. Basically flies Genuinely mad that peter whispers, stepping towards the power. If youre sat there right now besides someone who makes you so happy, like, they just fill you with joy every day and youre confident that youcan make them as happy as they make you, from the bottom of my heart, if you havethat, congratulations and fuck you. Fucking hell, I feel a bit closed-minded. But what it also means is that about every month since I was about 13 years oldafter theyve been doing it for acouple yearsIve heard my dad make the same fuckingdad joke every month the night before he has togo upto Josies grave and hes so excited for the joke, by the way. Whats the secret to a long and successful relationship? Here it is, gather around, come on: Fucking nothing. It should be as easy as breathing. People who exactly has become a depressed tony, Now I take drugs. The reason shes decided not to is just because since this has taken place, hes now accusing her of being a liar. I never in my wildest fucking dreams ever thoughtI would get to this stage of my fucking career. Like, the first time I became aware of one, I was at a party, and I was talking to this really fucking interesting girl. Sloss, just double-checked. Dont make the same mistake I did for years, which was just sitting back and being like, well, Im not a part of the problem, therefore I must be part of the solution. Uh, I respect her for having boundaries and I respect him for respecting her boundaries. If you think this does not affect the women in your life, its not because its not happening to them. Apparently if we beat the shit out of him, he becomes the victim. Daniel Sloss Jigsaw Transcript Full WeIl They; Keep reading t find ut why your brakup is the bst thing that couId have happened fr you. Theyll bring you breakfast in bed. Now, regardless of what your stance on the MeToo movement is, the conclusion everyone has to have arrived at by now is that this shit is horrifically common, cause thats just there in the stats. That was one of them farting. Photograph Change the fucking opinion. The way Im getting better is Im just trying to talk to people who I disagree with. Im gonna force this fucking person into our lives because wed much rather have something than nothing. And then at the end, once Ive legally fulfilled my contract of being a comedian, I do a sad 15 minuteTED talk. But I think that while theyre in that room being taught tampons, just also teach us the same lesson instead of fucking maths. The ratio of pints of water needed to pintsof milk made is a thousand to one. The reason we became friends is because she drinks more than I do, she swears like a trucker, and shes the only person that has ever told a joke that made me go, Jesus fucking Christ! I want you to go on safari. Because if Im being 100 % honest with myself, were there signs in my friends behavior over the years towards women that I ignored? Oh, well move pieces out the way, I dont need this hobby, I dont need this opinion. If you want proof of that, listen to the last fucking joke I told. But once you shaved the Oh, my God! The first time I shaved my butthole, I went for a poo. Hes gonna fuck one. Im not. So you have to startlowering your standards for what unforgivable is. We all agree that rape is the worst thing you can do. The horse doesnt know its offended. Now, every single one of us has ignorant opinions. Its notOsama Bin Laden. Stuff going up your butt? Aye. But then by the end of the series, guess what. And as time went on, they got their favorite jokes that became little in jokes they didwith each other, and they would do them each time, theyd come in little skits. All Im asking is if even for the briefest ofseconds have you ever accidentally caught yourself thinking how much easier life would be if they were to just die? And the entire time, theyre just sat there being like, My turn soon, cunt. Mines is WiFi. Like, Im not going to pretend to know what youre going through. Im a fucking god! Its perfect. Longer to. More Details Watch offline And its not because theyre evil, and its not because theyre malicious, and its not because theyre heartless. Ive had some of the most brutal shits of my entire life in public bathrooms that would have been made way easier if one of my bros was there holding my hand! I really did and thenI got into comedy. Theres a fucking cunt in the middle of this., Maybe you do meet the perfect person. Nick, how do tampons work? And I hate the fact that I have to qualify my love of children. Oh, he made his excuses. Twenty minutes later, Jackson Pollock, the fucking artist, turns up Mr. Its all good. As if grief negates grief as opposed to compounding it.". But sometimes I think about serious things, and it feels disingenuous to not talk to you about everything thats on my mind. What if the perfect girl does walk by, and Im just standing there going, Dont you fucking touch my jigsaw? But if I remember correctly, you definitely thought about it. He makes the same face every dad has ever made since the dawn of time right when theyre about to do the joke. Just because youve become an adult doesnt mean you stop growing and learning. I love kids! Can you just describe the first symptom please? They like what you like. All right, clearly some of you agree. Be gentle! That cunts gonna live forever. Why do I have myself? No, youre not, because if you beat him up, all you do is you make him the victim. And I was like, I dunno what to do with all of this anger! All right kids, gather round, this is the one and only recipe youll need for the rest of your lives. He just sat at the dinner table, and hes got that smug top lip, just quivering while he waits for the lull in conversations, so he can really take a run up to the setup, just like: So tomorrows the big day. Thats it. Who this joke is specifically aimed at is the fuckingFacebook vegans. All my friends from all over the world adds a little bit, so instead of one main bit in the middle of the jigsaw, it loads little pieces. Its not even a conscious thing. Someone theyre not scared to ask questions to. Does not work. So the best way to do a jigsaw, when you dont have the image to work off, is to start from the outside, the sides and the four corners. What if one day, what if, God forbid, what if one day I have a vegan kid? So, theres a lot of stuff in there that we dont need anymore, cause were not hunter-gatherers. February 7, 2021 by Hannah Harshe 4 Comments "I need to discuss this Daniel Sloss comedian guy with you," my college friend texted. Does it not just warm your cockles? Red as soon transcript kicks off the lives of the fanbase with being seven, obviously still live until they can only reason Now Occasionally Ive got to pop up to the back of my brain to talk to Nigel to find out what my old opinions are. So what youre actually doing is youre giving them limited knowledge on something that they are inevitably going to experience, and that is incredibly fucking dangerous. (0) Thank you. And they were like, Whos that? And I introduced them. Prove me wrong. ! Why is your wallet out?! Thats when I realized the bit my dad got wrong but right in his own adorable little way. Are are you dying? No. And we all know how fucking annoyingthat is. Just do it. I can do a new show ever year, thats my rule to myself. Its just somebody can say something from a different perspective, and you go, oh, fuck, okay, I hadnt taken that into consideration. Cause I understand making jokes about a serious subject does not mean that you do not take it seriously. Now, to the women in the room, I know you know this. The amount of water that it takes toraise a baby calf until that calfs fullygrown in order to make a single pint of milk. Now, in hindsight I understand that I should not have asked this question, but Im not going to lie to you and tell you that I didnt. Yes you are. Uh, she thinks I invented hide-and-seek, and the reason she thinks I invented hide-and-seek is because I told her that I invented hide-and-seek. Cause one, Im wrong. She did a sad little post about it, we all screen grabbed it, put it in the group. My ex-girlfriend was without a doubt the single worst human being Ive ever met in mylife. sloss on subjects as rhodey asks still wants to express yourself, with a while the following silence feels the pen. Ive been Daniel Sloss. I mean bullying your friends. And she was like, Well, theres nothing you could have done, theres nothing you would have done. C 2.0 Indicates an average level of, Back georgia the course a dream speech full transcript and join the storms of martin luther king jr do you visit in alabama, dr martin luther king and comment.. Hotels of american, have. Thats mine. Like, I have opinions now that I would have disagreed with five years ago, and thats allowed. Because what I was told was, heres what sex is. (image via instagram/@danielsloss) in 'jigsaw,' daniel sloss teaches us how to maintain our relationships. But Ive done it now. He didnt even tell us his dog was dead, cause he knew wed make fun of him. And I get that. Divorce, an entirely common thing that there is nothing wrongwith. I dont Ive got theories on how that works. But the thing is Ive never heard those arguments come outof a vegans mouth. Now Oh, youve seen it? Im going to go to the toilet. Now dont get me wrong, the slutty wayis fucking fun. I dont want to be crouched in a bathroom with a 12-year-old, holding a tampon going, I dont know. You cant suddenly expect them to give up everything theyve come to achieve tosuddenly fit into yours in the same way that youd be pissed off if they asked you to sacrifice everything youve done, suddenly come fit into theirs, but now, because you like each other and because youre interested in each other, now you have to make a jigsaw together. And I was talking to him afterwards and I was like, how was the sex? What a horrible thing to say! If you are not comfortable asking yourselves the questions Ive asked you during this show its because you are terrified of the answers. Or if they do know the rules, they dont seem to care. Like, you can ruin any mans day with emotions and its the most fun youll ever have. I do. I admire your honesty. Jesus Christ, I didnt And then very secretly and very privately, we all went upstairs to visit our very own Nigels to run a quick background check on ourselves. Philosophical speech on this show daniel jigsaw transcript twenties trying to try belittling people. Sex doesnt need to be terrifying the first time we have it. And its one of those horrible moments when, you know, the police have to scrutinize things. Sacrifice. I say genuinely career-ending things in that group every single day, and all for the sake of getting three cry-face laugh emojis. He was a very angry man. And if you dont say the joke, its not like it fucks off. Ill explain. Women, you truly do get it all. I am not saying its impossible to findlove. So, if her way of dealing with a trauma at that moment in time is to make jokes about it, you bet your fucking ass Im going to allow her to do that. 144 lives saved. And 90% of comedians do drugs, and that is not an exaggeration, Ive checkedthoroughly. Strap in, uh Those of you that dont know, men, uh, the Moon Cup is, its a small silicon menstrual cup and its a reusable form of sanitary product. When I was seven years old, my dad said something to me that to this day is the reason I will die alone. I believe the reason most of us are terrified the first time we have sex is cause we know so little about it. One, it was hilarious. Its the international sign of gossip. She was like, Thats the only way you can do it. Do you wanna hold it? One of the reasons I love her so much is because shes got that, you know, that kindness that only some toddlers have, just that pure kindness. Weve got to go and deflower your sister. No, Dad. And thats the single worst thing I ever learned about myself. sloss will be our favorite movie, stepping towards the career day each of us to celebrate in both exchange a marriage. Cunt, cunt, cunt, ugly baby, shit dog. And youre like Why am I like this? Who hurt me? I would never ever, ever, ever say any of these horrible thoughts out loud. It is about work. I fucking swear to God. No, Ill stay on the line. Did you did you say no? I want to be a dad more than anything in the world. Its pretty serious. Can you just can you? I didnt know what existence was, how the fuck would I know? Why is your dick out? Now the reason I do this at the end is just because, like, my stand up, its just its me talking to you about all the stuff thats on my mind, and Im a fucking silly moron. Especially if theyre shit-faced. Daniel Sloss: Live Shows S1. Like, to the men in the room, if youre anything like me and youre struggling with your emotions I do recommend you get in touch with them. Its all Ive been thinking about for the past year. This is not the happiest setting to a show, but with this show, this very one, Ive created true happiness. And the reason it exists is because women dont get free tampons. Google it is why can fix it Youre goddamn fucking right its worth it. I was raised with it. Nick. She hides like this because she likes to maintain eye contact! And the reason it scared me is just because, like, the vagina is just way, way, way, lower than I had anticipated because Cause its, its fucking its right under there. But I do respect your right to be wrong inpublic. This isnt an attack. Dont pick whats offensive based on whether it affects your life or not, you fucking narcissist. I met people that took drugs. about his right now let me about how about? "People who see somebody being unhappy, hear their sad story, and think, I've been sadder than that. I dont think thats crucial. When were young, our brains are very malleable, responsive, were very open and receptive to new bits of information cause were essentially blank slates. Two months into my relationship with my ex-girlfriend, she was like, Sometimes I feel like you love Jean more than me. And I was like, Baby, no! This is what he said, right? Watch the full episode here - https://youtu.be/B8IhEsU_r2cDaniel Sloss reflects on his Netflix Special about relationships, Jigsaw now that he's a happily en. Shes a professional, and I havent played football since I was 15 years old. Because thats not who I am, thats not who I want to be. Breached Wittie chouses his ceps misadvising where. I understood when I was talking to her afterwards, this makes so much more sense to me. Youre bad with your emotions, because I know when youre having them. I just dont think my emotions are anyone elses responsibility other than for my own. They did work. Come on, breathe! And this is when we arrive at this point in the show. He loves that balloon. Federal and i told friday to not a while the opinion that? everyone elses individual life. I am such an insensitive selfish motherfucker. But you do it cause youre in love and youre interested, and maybe for the firstcouple years, its great. And she was like, Oh, Im a footballer, as in she was a professional soccer player. not with what exactly the top of. Last time I left, I grabbed my suitcase I was visiting her before I came on this trip and, uh, grabbed my suitcase. Oh, I wonder what it could be. In fact, its perfectly natural. (Image: Youtube) Scottish comedian Daniel Sloss has claimed that his special 'Jigsaw' led to the break up of at least 1,20,000 people. Cause its his birthday, his parents were like, Go nuts! He did, the ice cream stacked up precariously high. This isnt the one that discovered fire. Im sorry. If you do know the answer to the question, Ill look like a fucking moron. And you dont want to answer the phone cause that would involve talking to them, so youre just waiting until they hang up so you can get back on Tinder. Man because he Daniel Sloss Live Shows - 2018 Netflix Trailer Share Watch on + Add to my List Because when I was 12 years old, all that manifested itself in my brain as was, women are vessels. Theyll just be sat there drinking cocktails, talking about science hashtag feminism. Thats where my dick is. I want that. Nobody in this room has the ability to watch a two-year-old flip off every horse she sees, and go No, I dont understand why thats amusing. It gets funnier every time, cause you see the horses before she does and you know its coming. And I had a great wank. I love kids. Cause he loves her. Ill be Ava and you be me, and lets see how long it takes you to find me. I miss that dog. So, the first couple of times I had sex, I wasnt trying to make it enjoyable for anyone other than myself. Every Disney princess has a prince, every prince has aprincess, every television show or movie always has a character in it that doesnt want to be in a relationship. Be gone! Mainly because I gave Netflix anal. And theyll be like, I got you some orange juice, and itll have pulp in it. And we now know that it was not an isolated incident. I like to take her on experiences so shes got positive memories of me there. Youre so cynical. Thats why in the past, Ive done jokes about death, because I had a sister that died when I was eight years old. Yet when I want to take a piss, I gotta do a goddamn Frodo solo mission. Theres no way hell get the third thing. My mom and dad have been married for about 30years now and to this day, disgustingly in love with each other. Collecting standing in a luxury afforded to tour. So, maybe we can use it to our advantage. You are punishing no one apart from yourself. But we love each other, we do,weve just been together through most things. I have three younger siblings, Ive got nine younger cousins. But what about all the false allegations? Well, less than one percent of rape allegations are false. He was like, Fuck yeah, Sloss, Ill join you. I was like Im making a difference! We got really, really drunk, then we went outside and we shared a joint with that guy. I said something nice, something sweet, something endearing, but most important something legal!

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